Ask Reecie Advice Column: “Why Don’t Women Appreciate Nice Guys?”

 A question that has been posed so many times to me and has been the spark of many debates is simply: “why don’t women appreciate nice guys?” I’m going to try my best to break down my answer in a way that men can truly understand without sounding like a total b!tch lol.

For starters, there is only one TRUE type of “nice guy” when it comes to romantic relationships with women: the “I’m a nice guy looking for a committed relationship” guy. That statement alone probably eliminates a good 60% of the people griping about a lack of appreciation. Of course there are many qualifying factors in addition to wanting a relationship, but that is the foundation for how you will be received and treated by women. Also, being a nice guy doesn’t guarantee you success 100% of the time, but more on that later for the 40% of the guys still remaining. 

The problem is that a lot of men don’t realize that they aren’t really “nice guys”. Most often when you ask a man what makes him a nice guy he will respond with, “I never disrespect a woman, I don’t hit women, I always pick up the tab” etc. etc. First of all…some things, like being respectful and nonviolent, are BASIC traits that any decent human being would possess. Secondly, there is a difference between doing nice things and BEING a nice guy. Paying for a date is a nice thing to do, but that alone is not enough. You can pay for all the meals, drinks, movies, etc. that your wallet can stand, but if you are not looking for a relationship and the woman you are dealing with is, it means absolutely nothing. Chances are when all is said and done, she is going to think you’re an a$$hole…because like I stated earlier, if you’re not the “nice guy looking for a committed relationship guy” then you probably fall under the category of “he could be a nice guy if he wasn’t so full of sh!t”. Sounds a little harsh? Let me explain…

Ask Reecie Advice Column: Is It Too Soon For Him to Be Depending on Me Financially?

Hi Reecie,

My question is simple…I have been going out with this guy for almost two months. He has been great.  He has been picking up the tab since we started. Very attentive.  A little possessive but I think that is natural. Nothing out of the norm with that. A week ago he told me he was broke and because of this he was moody and a bit curt with me.  He has been coughing the bill since we started, so I told him I would have him for this weekend not to worry about anything.  He came and it was all on me, his cigarettes, the gas, food.  He said he could come see me but had no money to do much… So I told him don’t worry come.  I did explain to him that I did this for him THIS time. I explained one of my pet peeves is when a man asks for money.  It burns me.
 
Ok, the weekend passed and everything is supposed to be going all right.  Today a week later he calls me and asked me if I could lend him $1000. I immediately knowing I DON’T have it told him, “no I can’t help you”.  He became offended that I said no so quickly.  He was like:  when they cut my phone then what?  Should we call this thing off now?  We will not be able to get in touch with each other.  It was like he was mad at me because his situation.  I told him to take it easy it was only temporary. It was like he expected me to pay his bill because I was the one he was talking to?  I have my own telephone bill.  And it is not like we live in different states. Isn’t it just too soon for him to depend on me? We are not engaged or married.
 
Signed,
Lady in Waiting

“Ask Reecie” Advice Column: Who Should Foot the Bill on the First Date?

 So…instead of posting long letters of folks needing advice on very specific situations…I decided to go another route and just post my advice on simple situations that pretty much everyone can relate to. I always find myself in debates with folks over life issues, so I decided to bring some of those debates to this site. So…the first question I’m tackling is simply this: who should foot the bill on the first date?

This is an issue where I’ve kind of gone back and forth about…but the best conclusion I’ve come to is that the man should foot the bill on the first date. Recently, this debate has become a much bigger issue as some men are starting to feel extra salty about having to pay for the first date and some women feel uncomfortable with the idea that a man might think she is a gold digger if she doesn’t pay. One of the main complaints I’ve heard is, “I want to know that she isn’t going out with me just to get a free meal because she is hungry”. Out of all of the possible excuses, this is by far the most ridiculous one! Unless you picked a chick up from the corner or found her in a homeless shelter, chances are she has managed to find a way to find nourishment without having to trick for a meal. Any woman with a job can at LEAST provide herself with food and shelter…or at the very least you should have enough sense to make that a litmus test for even getting to a first date. So, if you’re one of the men that has used that excuse, stop being so paranoid.

On the flip side, some women feel a certain sense of power in picking up the tab (or at least going dutch) on the first date. In their eyes it sends the message, “I can handle my own and I don’t need you to pay for this meal”. Although that sounds good in theory, it doesn’t quite translate that way in reality. On average, what a guy sees (not that I think most men will admit it) is a woman who is defensive and/or a cheap date. This makes it more likely that when a guy is just looking for a good time and doesn’t want to spend any money he will call you up because you’re the cheapest option; not because he is actually interested in you. The truth is, the fact that you are independent and don’t “need” a man to feed you should be evident in the fact that you have a successful career or at least a decent/good job; and doesn’t need to be proven by picking up the check. If a guy thinks you’re a gold digger or can’t provide for yourself because he paid for your meal, then he is an idiot.

I’m sure a lot of men would appreciate you picking up the tab, but I doubt that any man who doesn’t have a chip on his shoulder will hold it against you if you didn’t. But…should women hold it against a man who refuses to pick up the tab? It really depends on the situation. I would encourage women and men on a date to discuss their views honestly and come to a compromise instead of just writing off the other person because they didn’t pay. This will reveal your level of compatibility and let you know how the other person views relationship dynamics.

In conclusion, I must point out that this is my opinion on the first date only. I think as time goes by, each person should contribute equally or at least in a manner that is acceptable to both people. Also, you should be sensitive to a person’s financial situation and not have unrealistic expectations about them paying.

What do you guys think? Who should pay on the first the date…the man, the woman, or split it evenly? Do you think it reflects poorly on the other person when they don’t pay or offer to pay? Would you go out on a date with someone who didn’t pay for your or their portion on the first date?

 

Who Should Foot The Bill On The First Date?  Click here to vote

 

Need advice or have a question you want answered? Email me at askreecie@gmail.com. I’ll dish the advice and maybe even post it on the site. All letters received will be kept anonymous.   
 

Posted by Reecie

Ask Reecie Advice Column: Letter from Confused

Dear Reecie,

Ok so I have never done this before, but I need some advice as to what might be going on right now. I was dating a guy for 3 years he’s 24, I’m 23. Our relationship was perfect, we were in love, best friends, wanted to see each other everyday, did everything together. U know. Well On the 19th of last month he broke up with me. He told me that he needed some time to figure out what he wants. He told me that he didn’t know if I was “the one” or if I wasn’t. I was his first real relationship and the first girl he has ever loved. The break up came out of no where. The night he broke up with me we were both crying, and at one point he had told me that he wondered if he made the right decision.

Well he had told me on the first that he did not want to get back together and that by hanging out he knew it wouldn’t make things better. He had told me he just wanted to be friends. We have only been talking like one day a week to keep in touch, and I talked to him last night. I had texted him yesterday morning and asked him if I could meet him somewhere since I haven’t seen him in a while. Just to talk, like friends. He texted me back and said I’ll let you know. Well anyways he calls me back last night and asks me, “Do you think you want to catch a movie Wed. night?”. Basically it has only been like a month and a half since he broke up with me. He knows I still want to be with him. I would like to know what this might mean. Before he had said that hanging out was a bad idea, cus i still wanted to be with him, so why all of a sudden does he go from thinking hanging out was a bad idea to asking me to go to the movies with him? Do you think that he wants to give us another try, but maybe doesn’t want to rush ne thing? Please let me know what you think. I’m going to go with him tomorrow, how should I act?

Sincerely,

Confused

Dear Confused,

Ask Reecie Advice Column: Should I Date My Ex’s Friend?

Dear Reecie:

I have a problem me and and my ex - boyfriend started to chill and talk again (not in a relationship) after a 1yr break up from a 2 yr relationship. However when we chilled, he started bringing his friends around. When hanging with his friends I had much more fun with them then him. He became jealous and would pout and sulk when we hung out. While we chilled I started to develop a little crush on one of his friends. I even tried to hook him up with a friend of mine but she wasn’t feeling him and I ended up talking to him on her phone or through her. He sensed this and got jealous every time we chilled however I in no way made these feelings that obvious besides asking about him once in a while. Then one night me, my ex, his friends, and my friends chilled at my house. While there, the persuasion of liquor got me to say some things I regret to his friend. After that day his friend expressed some feelings that he’s on the same page as I am. This further complicated the situation because I’m stuck on if I should avoid my feelings to pursue anything with his friend due to loyalty to my ex, or just go with how I feel and see how it plays out being that we aren’t in a relationship. Please help Me ASAP!!

Dear Should I Date My Ex’s Friend:

This is easily the one of trickiest situations you could’ve possibly sought advice about. When dealing with an ex and his/her associate, different people have different rules for how they would go forward. Some people are 100% against ever dealing with a friend or family member of an ex, and some people wouldn’t let a dead relationship stop them for pursuing their heart.

Personally, I fall somewhere in the middle. I can’t fathom a situation where I would want to date my ex’s friend; however I can’t say that I would be totally closed off to doing it either if the circumstances weren’t too messy. It seems like your situation falls under the messy category. First, you and your ex have been broken up for a year, but it appears that you still maintain a relatively close relationship. Since you were introduced to this new guy through hanging out with your ex; and all three of you hang out together the situation is a bit unsettling. There is probably no way to go forward with the new guy unscathed. Sooner rather than later something is going to have to give…it might be your friendship with your ex, your ex might not want to have anything to do with either one of you, or you might just end up looking like a flip.

First, you need to communicate with this new guy. I wouldn’t say go out there and put all your feelings on front street, but you could at least figure out if you two are looking for the same things “hypothetically speaking”. If you two aren’t aligned in your desires then there is no need to even spend any energy going forward. However, if you find that both of you want the same things, then it would be necessary to start thinking about if it’s worth pursuing. Consider the pros (potentially a great relationship) and the cons (losing your friend as an ex and things not working out).

As adults, people should be more mature about someone dating a friend of an ex and less close-minded about it since it is indisputably hard to find someone you’re compatible with…but that is not always the case. Even with the most understanding person it could cause discomfort and tension. Essentially the best thing that I could tell you is to follow your heart. Don’t allow yourself to be the pass around girl and only pursue something with this guy if he is serious about you or has good intentions about forming a solid relationship. If you have doubts about his sincerity, then save yourself the drama and move on to someone who isn’t connected to your ex.
 

HM Readers, what do you guys think? Should she leave her ex’s friend alone or is it okay to pursue her feelings? Are friends of the ex always off-limits? Does it make a difference if there is a potential for a real long lasting relationship?

Want advice? Shoot me an email at askreecie@gmail.com about your problem. I will respond to it and post the best letters and my responses on the site…of course keeping all names completely confidential. HM readers will then have a chance to chime in with their thoughts. Whether or not your letter gets posted, you will get a response.

Posted by Reecie

Related: New HM Advice Column- Ask Reecie 

Ask Reecie Advice Column: Letter from “Going Crazy”

Hi Reecie,

Ok so to make a long story short…I met this guy just a few weeks before I flew off to college in another state. But when I got to school we made this huge connection and decided to get together even thought it was a long distance relationship. After three years he broke up with me, because the distance thing was taking a toll on the both of us, and he wanted to “hang out” with other females and didn’t want to put me in the position to get hurt or himself in the position to cheat.

After a few months me and my ex started talking again and he started confessing his love for me again. At this point my feelings were resurfacing as well so I decided to give him another chance and see where it would take us. He was messing with some other female at the time but told me that she was only temporary and that when I finally graduated we would work on our relationship. I told him that if he wanted to be with me then he had to kick her to the curb. So he did and we started working on our relationship. It was time for me to come home on another break so I’m all excited thinking everything was working out. But I was wrong.

I get home and everything is good. Got a key to his apartment…life is peachy for about a week. Then all of a sudden he tells me that he feels weird around me, he can’t be himself around me anymore…yadda yadda yadda. So I give him back his key and finish off my break and go back to school. Not too long after I find out that he’s back messing with that one chick.

Maybe two months later my birthday rolled around and I was at home with my friends celebrating and he texts me saying happy birthday. So a couple of days later I call him and he comes over and I’m all nervous and we are talking and joking around and as we are saying goodbye he kissed me on my forehead…then on my cheek (mind you he is with that girl). So I go ahead and try to kiss him on the lips but he backs away…but then does it himself.

So I went back to school thinking that just maybe we have another shot together after he gets over this little floozy he calls his girlfriend. Then all of a sudden I get this phone call from him asking me if I was calling his girlfriend. So now I’m like wow…what on earth would I be calling her for. Also, I tried asking him about what happened at my house but he got all nervous and defensive and said that it didn’t mean anything and that he did it because he hadn’t seen me in a while and because he knew he wouldn’t see me for another while. So then maybe a month later she wants to call me and get information. I guess she’s been having trust issues with him because he would lie to her and she would find out the truth. So me being the nice person that I am I didn’t dog him out or anything because I could have easily told the girl that he was at my house and that we kissed. But I kept it all to myself. And as SOON as I got off the phone with this chick here he comes calling me asking me if I’m trying to break them up. I’m like wow…if i wanted to break ya’ll two love birds up then all I had to do was tell her about the moment at my house. So that shut him up real quick.

She wanted to see his phone records and what not and so he called me again talkin about how she was going to break up with him if she saw my number on his phone records. This chick is crazy! So he asks me to call her on three way and tell her that he didn’t call me and what not so me being the nice person that I am I did. So the next day he comes callin me but this time he called just thank me for calling her for him. I asked if everything had worked out but he told me that she broke up with him. After that we talked once a few months later when I called his mom for mother’s day and he just so happened to be there. He asked me about graduation and when I was coming home and stuff. 

So I graduate and come home (I have been home for about a week and some change now). His mom sent me a graduation card with $100 in it so of course I called to thank her and she was so excited that I was back home and told me that we had to do lunch some time. Then she told me that my ex’s grandfather had passed away. I knew his grandfather so I thought it would only be right if I tried to make the services. So when I got off the phone with his mom I sent him a text message saying that I was sorry to hear about his grandfather and to let me know when the service was going to be so that I could make it. He never responded. So I text him the next day saying the same thing…he never responded. So then I just decided to call…and that’s when I realized that he had changed his number.

I never got to make it to the funeral and now I’m driving myself crazy because he’s all I’ve been able to think about for the past 5 months. I tried taking my mind off of it by meeting other guys but I always find myself wishing it was him or missing him even more. Should I just move on and hope that one day it’ll all work out for the better? Or should I try and let him know how I feel?

Signed,
Going Crazy

Hi Going Crazy,
 
To be frank, I think you are definitely wasting your time with this guy. The fact that he had you calling his girlfriend to explain that you two had nothing going on (even though he kissed you) makes it painfully evident that he has zero concern for your feelings or any desire whatsoever to rekindle any kind of romance. If he had even an ounce of care or hell even if he was trying to mess around with you on the side, then he wouldn’t have involved you in his relationship problems.
 
I think the problem here is not that he had another girlfriend, but that he just lost interest in having a relationship with you. I’m sure it had more to do with the fact that he didn’t want to maintain a long distance relationship than anything else. Now that you are back home for good, if he really had lingering feelings for you, he would’ve contacted you by now. The fact that he changed his number and didn’t include you on his “this is my new number” distribution text shows that he does not want you to be a part of his life anymore. I know that’s harsh, but changing the number and neglecting to give it to you was most likely not unintentional. However, that’s not to say that after seeing you around town for a while or even better seeing you with another man he won’t be back in your face…DON’T FALL FOR IT! You know what they say…”first time shame on you, second time shame on me”.
 
My advice is that you move on with your life and don’t try and rekindle any sort of relationship…whether it is romantic or just friendly. You said that this guy was blowing your head up talking about how much he loved you and wanted to be with you, but when you guys got back together the good times didn’t even last a week…so that tells me that he isn’t even worth all the drama you’ve endured with him or all of the feelings you still have attached to him. You just graduated from college, you’re young, you are obviously a nice girl (maybe too nice considering that you didn’t put ol’ boy on blast even though I think the average woman would’ve), so you shouldn’t be concerned about someone who isn’t reciprocating your feelings. Once you’ve moved on…expect for him to come crawling back but please have enough sense to leave it alone for good!

Signed,
Reecie

What do you guys think about Going Crazy’s situation? Should she give up on being wit the guy or go for it one last time? Do you think her being back home for good will make him more interested in her? If he does try to pursue her again, should she give him another chance? 

Need advice? Send me an email at askreecie@gmail.com. If I decide to post your letter on the site, your identity will remain anonymous.

Ask Reecie Advice Column: Letter from Why Me?

From: Why Me? 

I really like this guy, we “dated” in college but it was the wrong timing. Anyway we’ve been out of school for 5 years now and still keep in contact. I really like him and he has all the qualities that I would want in a future husband, but I don’t know how he feels about me. I always think about him and haven’t seen him in over 3 years. We talk about having kids together all the time and how we want our family relationship to be. Here’s the kicker, we live in two different states, thousands of miles separate us. How do I tell him how I really feel?

Why Me,

It sounds like your situation is a little more straightforward than you would like to believe. You don’t have a romantic relationship with the guy you like and it doesn’t seem like you are making steps towards that. One thing you and women everywhere should realize is that talking is just talking. Don’t get yourself gassed up, because someone is telling you that you would make a great mother one day…that is a compliment, not a come-on.

If you two dated in college which was over 5 years ago, you haven’t seen this guy in 3 years, and by your own admission you don’t even know how he feels about you…then it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t have strong or possibly any feelings for you. Trust me, if he was seriously interested, he would’ve visited you by now or at least extended an invitation for you to visit him by this point.

With that said, since you have already put so much thought and emotion into this pseudo relationship, then you should definitely talk to him. Honestly tell him how you feel about him. After 5+ years of knowing each other and having at the very least a friendship, sugar coating isn’t necessary and is counterproductive. When you talk to him, speak with confidence and remain calm and collected. The last thing you want to do is come off as a little looney by being overly emotional. There is a chance that he just wants you to tell him how you feel about him and express that you want a relationship before he pursues you on a serious level. When he tells you about his feelings, don’t settle for ambiguous statements or vague promises…make sure you are a 100% clear on where he stands so you can either move forward with him or move on with your life.

Hope that helps!
Reecie

What do you guys think about “Why Me?”s situation? Should she talk to this guy or just move on with her life? What’s the best way to explain your feelings for someone with whom you’ve had a long term platonic relationship?

Need advice? Send me your questions to askreecie@gmail.com or leave a comment with your question here. Anything posted on the site will be kept anonymous.

New HM Advice Column: Ask Reecie

Hey HM readers, I’m going to let you in on a little secret…I’ve ALWAYS wanted to do an advice column! Since it is a really slow day/week on the site…I figured why not start now?

In my life…I’m the go-to person for no holds barred/straight shooting advice for practically everyone I know. People are confident that I will be honest and straightforward whenever they come to me…and I’m always right! lol. Now…I have to state for the record that I am by no means a professional…just a person that knows how to decipher any situation and offer up the best solution possible.

Now that I have sufficiently tooted my own horn…this is where you come in. If you want an objective opinion about any situation in your life, then I’m the perfect person to ask! Beefing with your friends? Want pointers for how to approach a secret crush? Confused about where your life is going? Whatever your problem…feel free to ask me.

Here’s how: Shoot me an email at askreecie@gmail.com about your problem. I will respond to it and post the best letters and my responses on the site…of course keeping all names completely confidential. HM readers will then have a chance to chime in with their thoughts. Whether or not your letter gets posted, you will get a response.

So folks…don’t be shy…get to writing!   

Posted by Reecie