A question that has been posed so many times to me and has been the spark of many debates is simply: “why don’t women appreciate nice guys?” I’m going to try my best to break down my answer in a way that men can truly understand without sounding like a total b!tch lol.
For starters, there is only one TRUE type of “nice guy” when it comes to romantic relationships with women: the “I’m a nice guy looking for a committed relationship” guy. That statement alone probably eliminates a good 60% of the people griping about a lack of appreciation. Of course there are many qualifying factors in addition to wanting a relationship, but that is the foundation for how you will be received and treated by women. Also, being a nice guy doesn’t guarantee you success 100% of the time, but more on that later for the 40% of the guys still remaining.
The problem is that a lot of men don’t realize that they aren’t really “nice guys”. Most often when you ask a man what makes him a nice guy he will respond with, “I never disrespect a woman, I don’t hit women, I always pick up the tab” etc. etc. First of all…some things, like being respectful and nonviolent, are BASIC traits that any decent human being would possess. Secondly, there is a difference between doing nice things and BEING a nice guy. Paying for a date is a nice thing to do, but that alone is not enough. You can pay for all the meals, drinks, movies, etc. that your wallet can stand, but if you are not looking for a relationship and the woman you are dealing with is, it means absolutely nothing. Chances are when all is said and done, she is going to think you’re an a$$hole…because like I stated earlier, if you’re not the “nice guy looking for a committed relationship guy” then you probably fall under the category of “he could be a nice guy if he wasn’t so full of sh!t”. Sounds a little harsh? Let me explain…
Consider an example of a guy falling under this category: pretty successful, college educated, good career, drives a nice car, has his own place, well put together, lets even say he is charming and fun. Well a guy like him of course is going to have options; knowing that he takes full advantage of his in demand position. He dates several women at a time, but he always pays, always shows them a good time, and women seem to fall for him. However, he is just looking for a good time (although he neglected to make that intent known from the beginning) and refuses to settle down with just one woman. So answer this, how would you expect a woman to view a man who she has been dating and catching feelings for only to have the rug pulled from under her when she finds that she is just his good time girl and their relationship is going nowhere? If you have any sense, it is plain to see that she is going to think the guy is a complete jerk. But what does the guy think about himself? Well he justifies his behavior by saying that he never SAID he was looking for a relationship, or whatever other excuse he can find and goes on about his business thinking that is just a regular ol’ nice guy. Now do you see how this disconnect between the perceptions of women and men happens? I’m not trying to demonize men that are just looking to have a good time, it is certainly their prerogative; I’m merely pointing out that when you have that kind of approach towards women, don’t expect them to hold you in very high regard.
So now that we have that settled, let’s move on to the real nice guys. You’re a nice guy looking/willing to get into a relationship, but women don’t seem to appreciate your good qualities (and by qualities I mean who you are as a person not what is on your balance sheet), what is the problem? The top problems are: you are choosing the wrong type of woman, your relationship skills need a tune up, or you just haven’t found someone you are compatible with. Compatibility is the most important factor in whether a relationship will work out. You can be the nicest guy in the world, but if you are not compatible in most aspects with a woman you are seeing it is not going to work. It is not a matter of “nice guy finish last”, it is a matter of “everyone is not for everybody”. For instance, I once dated this guy…very nice, I liked a lot of things about him, but he bored me to tears! He never had any spark about him…just too even keel for me and I need someone with more fire. He could go through life thinking that my not feeling him is a sign that women sadistically desire someone who will treat them like dirt, but the truth is we just weren’t compatible.
Ask yourself: do your relationships skills need a tune-up? There are a lot of things that men can do to turn a woman off, that can be easily avoided. For instance, it doesn’t matter how many wonderful qualities a guy has, I could never and would never date a flake. I detest people that consistently show disregard for other people’s time and whose supposed commitment to a time and place mean absolutely nothing. So…if you’re the type of guy that constantly reschedules dates at the last minute, don’t be surprised if women aren’t lining up around the corner to be stood up by you. Oh yeah and don’t be surprised if when you finally do decide to show up to a date as scheduled your date is a little salty and unappreciative.
Lastly, are you choosing the right kind of women? If your basis for dating a woman places a lot of emphasis on how she looks and if she would be willing to sleep with you within the first several dates, then you have a problem. You have to care about a woman’s character (that is a word you don’t hear everyday) and let that be the determining factor in your decision to date in order to get the type of women that will appreciate you for the kind of man that you are. If you listen to a woman talk, you will come across the signs about what kind of person she is and if she has the capacity and maturity to appreciate a good man. If you choose to ignore those signs, then you really only have yourself to blame.
So…I know that was long and there is still so much more to be said on this topic, but I would like to hear from you all out there.
What do you guys think about my assertions? For the “nice guys” out there, do you feel like women in general don’t know how to appreciate good men or did my post make you reconsider that feeling? Are you a nice guy but women seem to think you’re an a$$hole? Ladies, what advice do you have for nice guys? Doesn’t it annoy you when a non-nice guy doesn’t realize that he has women problems because he is a jerk?
Posted by Reecie
Reecie
thehonorable
good post but i always find it contradicting when females say they want a nice guy? what they really want is drama, on top of a nice guy. the nice guy inside of me committed suicide long time ago. let me explain.
I always was the nice guy and i cant help being the nice guy but damn how can i compete with others for the affection of others and potential gfs if im not putting myself out there for all to see. no im not an attention whore, i rarely like the attention or being the center of attention, but i soon realise that those efforts yield very little. i had a hard time saying no to things, i was the type of guy who drove their drunk girlfriends home and never took advantage of them, i was the guy that was designated boyfriend material but never really was anything, i was the guy that warned their girlfriends about sleeping around and yet had my advice thrown away when they come back to you crying and bitching about how she slept with some dude and now she is regretting it cos he treated her like shit. i just woke up one day and i stopped being nice. i hated being manipulated, the non-reciprocation and most of all i hated the drama so i moved on. nowadays i dont give the time of day to deal with the kind of bullshit girls play, i simply walk away. being nice can get you some things but not everything. this extends to everything, life even your career - you have to show some fight, even when people are doubting you and questioning your work ethic, when you boss gives you an ultimatum cos he knows your ass is on the line and he can give you the boot- this is when you have to fire back. the same can be said for relationships. i think this all comes with experience and discipline. i admit early on i didnt have the necessary skills or knowledge to keep a good woman, i attrached the wrong ones. its funny how things work out.
it all boils to yeah, be a nice guy, treat people with respect and courtesy. but dont be too nice. dont kiss ass or be a pushover.
The disconnect you speak of is so true. My family had a big debate about this. How a woman wants a committed relationship, while the guy is just in it for fun. However, neither tell each other there intent and it ends ugly.
Because nice guys do not like to give oral sex. It takes a wild man to go down there. Inappropriate!? maybe
Your assertions are very accurate, but question - do you default that most guys are the 60%? Do you only believe the 40% when he explicity says he wants a relationship? How about the guys that are looking for a good time, but then evolve into wanting a relationship?
I think I consider myself a “nice guy,” but I believe women don’t want a nice guy that’s a pushover. Women want a “nice guy” that will also challenge them (mentally), be a provider (even though she doesn’t NEED it, but she wants to make sure that the dude ain’t a lazy dog), and feel secure around. And let’s be real - women like a sprinkle of DRAMA or a sprinkle of “jerk” (which can be confused/mixed with overly confident). now, i’m not talking about baby mama drama or anything to that extent, but I think women like to be challenged to figure things out…whether its “fine tuning his relationship skills” (how many women think they can “upgrade” a man?) or improving his wardrobe or whatever…
The last thing a nice guy needs to be is “boring” and/or “too perfect.”
>Doesn’t it annoy you when a non-nice guy doesn’t realize that he has women problems because he is a jerk?
Never annoyed me because I am not a jerk
But jerks usually date more women then the 60 nice-guys and the 40 nice-guys…
viciuzurban…I would like to address several things you mentioned in your comment.
“I always was the nice guy and i cant help being the nice guy but damn how can i compete with others for the affection of others and potential gfs if im not putting myself out there for all to see. no im not an attention whore, i rarely like the attention or being the center of attention, but i soon realise that those efforts yield very little.”
A lot of the nicer guys, the anti-Casanova if you will, express frustration at not being able to spark a woman’s attention. I am a firm believer in just being yourself and allowing the energy you exude attract people who are looking for the type of person you are. Getting a woman is not a competition, because the truth is there is someone out there looking for exactly what you represent…so the key is to never misrepresent yourself. But, here is a little tip for guys who are at a loss for how to approach a woman. My advice is simple, do something chivalrous. It doesn’t have to be anything big…it can be as simple as giving up your seat in a crowded room, opening the door for a woman, offering to assist her when she is carrying something heavy, etc. A woman who can appreciate a nice guy will respond in kind. If she doesn’t seem to really appreciate the gesture, then she is probably not the kind of woman who would appreciate a nice guy. So anyway, doing something chivalrous will cause a woman to let her guard down (she’ll be thinking to herself “how nice) and would be a perfect opportunity to strike up a conversation.
“I was the type of guy who drove their drunk girlfriends home and never took advantage of them, i was the guy that was designated boyfriend material but never really was anything.”
This leads me to another point about nice guys…nice guys need to be more aggressive. Women like for a man to take charge and to be the pursuer. On average, it takes a lot more for a woman to want to date you than just being a nice guy that she knows. You have to take initiative and express a ROMANTIC interest (meaning make it clear that you aren’t just being friendly). She knows you’re a nice guy, but does she know that you are nice guy that is interested in HER? If you really want to be taken seriously, you have to put it out there. Personally, I don’t accept anything less than a guy explicitly saying that he is interested in dating me. The last thing a woman wants is to wake up 3 months later and find out that she was just friends with a guy not “dating” him lol.
Finally, I will say that you should never stop being nice. Never stop being who are because of who you have dealt with. You don’t have to be a pushover or go above and beyond for someone who hasn’t proven themselves to you…don’t lay everything out on the line from the beginning…save something for later. It’s a good idea to be cautious about who you get involved with and to be tempered in your actions while you are getting know someone, that way you won’t feel like you have been taken advantage of.
Now to thehonorable:
“Do you default that most guys are the 60%? Do you only believe the 40% when he explicity says he wants a relationship? How about the guys that are looking for a good time, but then evolve into wanting a relationship?
I think it is very important for women to get an explicit understanding of what a guy is looking for in terms of a relationship. Some men will allow you to believe that they are looking for a relationship when in fact they really aren’t. After a few times of finding out the hard way a woman should wise up and realize that she needs to find out where a guy is coming from at the beginning.
To your next question…it is true that some men start out wanting a good time but they later want to settle down. However, that usually doesn’t happen until a woman has already invested way more time than she should have. Some women are willing to wait around indefinitely until a guy is willing to settle down into a committed relationship, but I don’t think that is a good look. On average, a woman can wait forever and a day for a man to want to settle down, but that doesn’t mean that when he does decide to settle down that he will want to settle down with her.
“And let’s be real - women like a sprinkle of DRAMA or a sprinkle of “jerk” (which can be confused/mixed with overly confident).
See this is where men have it a little twisted. Drama doesn’t have to be a bad thing…it could be a good thing. This kind of goes to my point about the nice guy that bored me tears. I loved that he was a nice guy, but he had no fire, no intensity, no power…and those are things that women want too. For instance, putting rose petals all over the bed while your woman sleeps makes such a dramatic statement when she wakes up and trust me, it will get you much further than being a slight jerk ever could.
P.S.- Asupreme you’re hilarious.
I like to consider myself a nice guy but I’m one of those nice guys that just want to date around and is not in a hurry to settle down. It is possible that I might meet a girl that might make me change my opinion but that is pretty rare and even if I do find her it doesn’t mean anything is going to happen.
I think women want a nice guy to a certain point. The point is different for different types of girls. It’s pretty obvious that most guys want to settle down at a later age while girls want to settle down at an early age. I think twenty five years old is way to young to get married. Granted you are not talking about marriage. I think that is one reason the divorce rate is at an all time high. It’s because people are getting married way to soon. I think being in a long time relationship or getting married is a serious thing and I’m not going to jump into that to quickly. Right now I just want to date around and have fun. I can see myself settling down around the age of thirty. Sorry for going a little bit off topic.
little brother said it well - “a womans life is love, a mans love is life” so must brothas know that a woman will stay around if you treat her nice and they take advantage of that. i have been guilty of such, as i take the label of ‘nice guy’ i just personally feel that it isnt the big surprise or shock that ladies usually make it out to be. if im just kinda around when im around and not really checkin for you, you shouldnt think deep down that i want to wife you, otherwise i would. if you let me play the field and dont make me wife you to get the goods then i wont, the average dude will continue to play the field cause he really isnt checkin for you. ..same thing is done by girls
and i think girls dont like nice guys because they want men. and the stigma of a man that has been passed along isnt consistent with being a ‘nice guy’ its more of a protector and someone who may be a headache but you still love em. if we as dudes are hella sensitive thinking that will make her love us, it usually backfires. ..
Girl… this topic has really been going around the blog world lately… I recently has a really big debate on my blog about women having the perfect guy in every way… every way they could ever dream of… but they couldnt lay the pipe… would you give that man up or live your life with someone being sexually unsatisfied. Its crazy the responses I got. You should check it out if you get a chance.
http://renaissanceblackwoman.blogspot.com/2008/01/good-dck-debate-continues.html
Stallion…there is nothing wrong with seeing what is out there and not being in a rush to settle down as long as you are honest about it.
Velle…thank you for confirming what I tell my friends all of the time. The truth is a lot of women honestly don’t know that on average a guy is going to do whatever a woman lets him get away with. If a woman will let a guy run up through her with no commitment then he is going to do just that. In my opinion a NICE guy wouldn’t take advantage of a woman’s willingness to let him walk all over her. That is the message that I try to tell my guy friends…I urge them to hold themselves to a higher standard than these women hold them to and be straightforward from the jump about their intentions. I don’t think a woman being a pushover absolves a guy from having to exercise a certain degree of decency and consideration.
Going back to Ddot’s comment…when neither person tells each other what they are looking for you end up with a hot mess of a situation. I know a lot of women don’t want to scare a man off by being upfront about their desire for a relationship…but my thing is, if a guy doesn’t want a relationship and you do, how does waiting 3 months to find that information out help the situation? lol.
EB…I checked out your blog…hilarious! I can’t say that I agree with you though…I’m willing to take the L and be a teacher if need be.
I guess this is slightly out of context, but how do you put yourself out there without overreaching…-_-
To the ladies: is there a way for us guys to tell when you’re interested back? Any little things you do? Just wondering..
I read the thread and all of the posts, and I’m confused what is a nice guy? I don’t even know any nice people? When you subscribe to being a “nice guy”, that means that you can be put into a position of having to justify the actions, the thoughts, the reasoning, of those simply because you care about how others view you. If you’re a good person and you know it, why prove it, most labels are subjective anyway.
Newsflash, you’re nice to people who you want something from. Holding doors, a positive outlook, manners, and respect is learned behavior do you people think honesty is synonomous with the truth too? Personally it boils down to ignorance and lack of truly knowing who you are. Firstly, you can not rationalize emotion so give it up! Stop worrying about relationships and marriage and enjoy life. You will find the person for you but stop trying to figure love out. Love is a phenomona, people are going to date their cousins, drug dealers, men who abuse them etcetera. Here is a bit of advice rom Mr.O and I hope you know free advice is worth the price. Take some time away from dating and pursue a hobby, read a few recommended books, spend some time with the youth or elderly. Do not be a slave to sex, the pursuit of sex, attention, and companionship a person who is extremely comfortable in their own skin has WAY more to offer. Oh and one more thing people mistreat their beaus because they know they are not the one so why bother dating people you would not marry?? I date women who are exceptional I see peoples face squinch when I come through, do I always have a beautiful women, no but I am comfortable being alone for the time being because I know I have so much to offer and I can wait. I am aware my viewpoint is callous but it is very mature. Adults should not be playing (you should have menaged and joined the mile high club in college!!) the field. Proving how many women you can entertain and bed is tiresome. Wouldn’t you rather stay at a chateau that does not take major credit cards with someone you desire in every way? Society teaches men that having fun is cool while you’re young but in reality and throughout time real MEN know one woman is enough.
A man should never bicker or worry about such a trivial topic if you can not find a woman work on yourself and make sure your shits straight. If one of my friends said some of the crap in this thread I would put them on timeout. fin
k_azn, who cares. If you see someone you like walk up to them and introduce yourself. Its not like you’re going to have less sex with her.
“I guess this is slightly out of context, but how do you put yourself out there without overreaching…-_-
To the ladies: is there a way for us guys to tell when you’re interested back? Any little things you do? Just wondering..”
K-Azn…well I think that different women have different ways of letting you know that they are interested. It’s a lot harder to tell you ways to know that a woman for sure is into you, so I will start off with ways to tell that a woman is not interested in you:
1) The most obvious one: a girl tells you she has a boyfriend or is dating someone. I know this sounds obvious, but a lot of men see that line as the opening statement of a debate. If a girl tells you she has someone, whether it is true or not, she is not interested.
2) When you first meet a woman: you are having a conversation with her and she is barely responsive (yes or no answers), doesn’t make much eye contact, looks around the room a lot, seems restless, etc.
3) As you are getting to know her: she comes up with excuses for why she can’t go out with you, she takes her sweet time returning your phone calls, she only calls you at the last minute to make plans, says things that suggest you are not her type.
Now how can you tell a woman is interested in you? Well that one is a little bit more tricky. I can’t say that every woman will be flirtatious, touchy feely, etc. when she likes you. I think the most basic thing that is an indication if a woman is into you is if she is willing to spend time with you. If she is always willing to go out when you call and even suggests plans, then there is a good chance that she is interested. I don’t know and have never known any women who are willing to consistently spend time with someone they are not interested in. Granted, it could be a platonic interest and not a romantic one. Here is another hint: if a woman you are hanging out with NEVER talks to you about dating or seeing other guys, then she is probably interested in you.
The most important thing is to be confident and don’t be intimidated by women. If you walk up to a girl and you get rejected, don’t sweat it…it is not a personal attack on you.
Mr. O…I agree with a lot of the things you said (mainly the one woman is enough part). However, I don’t think that there is anything even remotely trivial about a man trying to figure out where he is going wrong in trying to attract a woman. Everyone doesn’t have the same cavalier attitude that you do and they don’t have to feel bad about it.
A lot of my guy friends have asked me for advice at some point and I know for a fact that they have benefited from my insight into what kinds of mistakes they were making and how to better approach things in the future. The problem is not enough people self-reflect and consider what they are doing wrong and too often put it off on the other person. The intention of my post was to get people to start looking at how they are contributing to the situation of not being able to find the right kind of mate. However, I do with you in in the sense that folks should have their act together first and foremost.
Mr.O - that was inspiring. dropping knowledge, sir!
reecie the thing is im a nice guy and a casanova at heart. i never misrepresent who i am, it is what it is, you cant change who you are. and they know im interested in them, i touched i feel i talk. all the things you would to show interest. and i still get played. soon enough you get played by the wrong women too many times, you put your guard up. now that im older, i know what to say, how much to say and when to stop.
good looks mr. o, usually when im nice to someone, its not because i doing it because i m nice, i want something from you too, get the hint. your right, people need to live their lives, with or without women, to pursue their goals, dreams whatever, hang with your boys. but deep inside we all desire companionship.
kzan, its a tight rope. you need to show interest but dont come off as needy. its a confidence thing i think with most guys. approach as many girls as you can until it becomes a creature of habit. rejection is part of life. take it as it is and move on. the more you do the more you break down the inital tension, and the stakes in the end will end up in your favour. its only time until a girl says yes, you know i give him a chance cos he’s trying very hard.
you say you dont want to wake up in 3 months to find dude is not sure what he wants but do women really know what they want in a relationship? do they express that intent from the get go so the guy knows that this relationship is going places and not living in false hope? or do they just go with the flow? like honorable said what about the nice guy that wants an evolving relationship?
Mr O-”labels are subjective”
I agree with you. I had this conversation about “good women” being out there. And i say no they are not and she gave a few examples, and then i gave explained why i did not think they were “good women”
you’re nice to people who you want something from…
I disagree. I think a nice person is nice b/c it is apart of there character (whether learned or innate) not b/c they want something. If someone is only nice b/c they want something, i would not considered them a “nice person”
The world is a complex place. Very complex. Often you will find that the people you think are the good guys aren’t. And the people portrayed as the bad guys aren’t that bad. I’m not necessarily saying they’re good. But they’re not that bad. They’re misunderstood. People in general prefer the articulate to the mumbling. Viciuzurban I do not desire companionship, I desire freedom. You’re restrained. Freedom allows a person to say “fuck it” If you truly know who you are and are content with that you can tell a woman on the first date how much you like her, you can tell her whatever you want to be honest, who cares, if expressing yourself makes you happy, so be it if she says you come on to strong then she is not prepared for you, you do not have a problem she does. Compromising leads to sitting around feeling sorry for yourself. Freedom allows you to be who you truly are. You gain confidence by being fearless, doing the things you can’t do people will see it in you. Reecie, I get it but one should be able to distinguish rationalism from mysticism. To make an observation of something and comprehend how it works is the beauty of being conscious. Furthermore, exploring your imperfections should help you become more complete. We’re all just who we are. If you believe in something, go with it. Rarely listen to others.
p.s. Statistically, there are way more men in the world than women. If you are straight, gainfully employed and college-educated the world is yours anyway. (lmao)
p.s.s Ddot you’re deluded it may be in a persons nature to be nice but when a person desires something its impossible to rationalize how one goes about obtaining it.
p.s.s.s thanks for the nod honorable I try my best to promote individualism and free thinking..
Very well put Mr O
“you say you dont want to wake up in 3 months to find dude is not sure what he wants but do women really know what they want in a relationship? do they express that intent from the get go so the guy knows that this relationship is going places and not living in false hope? or do they just go with the flow? like honorable said what about the nice guy that wants an evolving relationship?”
A lot of women don’t for fear of coming on too strong, but I think they should express their intentions from the get go. All relationships are an evolution of sorts. Some women don’t have a problem with a man who can’t say from day one that he is looking for a relationship…however most of those women probably think that man will catch feelings and change his mind. Personally, I don’t have time to waste on a man who is not sure of himself or what he wants out of life.
“I agree with you. I had this conversation about “good women” being out there. And i say no they are not and she gave a few examples, and then i gave explained why i did not think they were “good women”
Good women are out there but it takes a certain perpsective and maturity to be able to recognize a real good woman.
“The world is a complex place. Very complex. Often you will find that the people you think are the good guys aren’t. And the people portrayed as the bad guys aren’t that bad. I’m not necessarily saying they’re good. But they’re not that bad.”
I actually agree with you on that one. Even when someone is “bad” to us we are complicit in their actions by allowing ourselves to be treated a certain way. I’ve learned how to dig deeper and find out a person’s true colors…people will tell you who they are if you are listening for the right things.
“p.s. Statistically, there are way more men in the world than women. If you are straight, gainfully employed and college-educated the world is yours anyway. (lmao) ”
I find this comment hilarious, because I think that is the #1 line of reasoning that leads so many men in to being complete assholes when it comes to dating. A lot of men don’t seem to realize that just like they have options, women also have options. Now obviously every woman isn’t equally sought after, but if you see something in a woman worth approaching you can bet that you are not the only one. There are plenty of straight/employed/educated men who tried to play a numbers game and overestimated their options only to end up alone or settling for 4th, 5th, or 6th choice. I once dealt with a guy and in a moment of remarkably retarded candor, he told me “everyone looks golden to me right now, you look golden, the girl at the gas station, the girl at Chipotle, my ex, everybody” lol. It is that ridiculous focus on quantity and not quality that causes guys to miss out (in my example, I gave him the boot within minutes of him making that comment). So…I would definitely caution guys against assuming that women have no choice but to deal with their crap. Don’t focus on who outnumbers who, focus on who is in front of you and if that person is right for you or not.
So ok, I have a question. What if you meet a nice guy… with that sprinkle of edginess… but he has a girlfriend? I mean, you guys connect on so many different levels it’s scary! What should a woman do in that kind of situation? I mean she’s not all for being the one to break up a happy home or anything… but damn. It’s not too often when you find someone you are a good 85% compatible with… he’s a nice guy… has a good head on his shoulders (or is working hard on gettin’ his shit together)… easy on the eyes… funny… and all that other good stuff that comes in those type of packages. It’s clear that the both of them have feelings for each other but they can’t really cross the line because he is involved in another relationship. What the hell is a girl to do? Wait around to see if maybe… just maybe dude gives ol’ girl the boot? Or just move on and take the L in the relationship department and keep him as a friend?
SDot…you ever heard the saying “you lose ‘em how you get ‘em”?
First…a man with a girlfriend should not have the time to “connect” with another woman on so many levels. The fact that he is seeking companionship outside his relationship is already a huge red flag about his character and how seriously he takes relationships. If he is not feeling his girl, then he should break it off…not set up parachutes outside of the relationship for when he is ready to make the jump…and that is assuming that making a jump has even crossed his mind. He could be perfectly content being in his relationship and playing a chick on the side.
But really let’s think this thing through…”best” case scenario…after several more weeks (probably months) of “connecting” with the other woman he realizes he has feelings for her and leaves his girlfriend. But guess what…he starts tasting freedom again and now he’s not so sure if he is “ready to just jump right back into a relationship so soon”. So he starts to get back in the scene again…meeting new chicks and probably still corresponding with his ex and doing that whole song and dance about possibly reconciling. The other woman remains on the sidelines waiting for a chance to be with him that may never come. So even in the best case scenario, the “other woman” is looking at a minimum 6 months waiting list for a replacement relationship with this guy. I don’t think I even have to say what the worst case scenario looks like.
My advice…the woman needs to keep it pushing. Spend her energy more productively on a guy that is available. I know she can do better than a man who is already taken by somebody else. The longer she spends on a guy who can’t give her a real relationship (not a fantasy of what could be one day), the longer she will be without a man who could. As far as keeping him as a friend…that is essentially the same thing as waiting around. Feelings are already there and it’s too late to turn the clock back and act like it never happened…move on. Trust me it is no loss…you can’t lose what you never had.
“I gave him the boot within minutes of him making that comment”
- you move faster, however i respect the decision.
great discussion everyone.
mr. o, thats a shame.
im restrained because i desire companionship? nothing to me is more liberating than being on a physical, mental and spiritual level with a member of the opposite sex hehe. its a very lonely world when you are all by yourself. The happiest people I know usually have more emotion, more trust and more human connection than the average person.
Being free and being fearless are two different things. do you enjoy the anonymity that comes with freedom? would you say the same thing about those that use fear to hurt other people?
i mean what are we really on this earth for? if not to service others and procreate then what? now there are arguments among biologists that the world is a big enough place as it is, considering over-population, significiant environmental risks, rapid food and resources shortages but if we are just here to understand our own existence, be anti-social, act only out of self-interest and make ourselves happy, i dont see how we benefit individually and synergistically. self-preservation is about surrounding yourself with a network. if you rarely listen to other people, how will you know what your imperfections are? unless you are some-how conscious of that aleady and arrogant in the least?
people have different reasons for different things. i respect other people’s opinion. you should do the same. we all are facing the same struggle. just remember that.
Reecie - Ok, as sad as this may sound… I have considered all of the above and yet, I haven’t been able to shake this guy. I even took it as far as telling him that we couldn’t be friends anymore due to the fact that I thought it was wrong that we were even engaging in such a “friendship” while he was in a relationship. I felt guilty. But when I cut him off… it only made him come on stronger. And after so many attempts… I broke down and let him back in. Now it’s not like we chill on a regular basis (I only see him like twice a month and our conversations have been reduced to a minimum via text… considering I never contact him. He always seeks me out). And we were friends before he got into this relationship so I kind of have it in my mind mine, “why do I have to give up what we had/have just because he’s in a relationship now”. And to be honest, I totally agree with the comment about losing him the same way I got him. I’m not even sure that I would want a relationship with this guy based off the happenings of the present. But there is just something there that attracts me to him. I don’t get it.
SDot…it is okay to be attracted to him, to think that he is a great guy who would make a great boyfriend if he was single…however, you have to protect yourself and your heart by exercising restraint in this situation. Like one person pointed out earlier and I always tell my friends, a man is going to do to you whatever you let him get away with. So…if you let him play you on the side while still getting the goods at home with this girlfriend, then he is going to continue doing that. If you let him feel like you are going to wait on the sidelines for him to break up with this girl, then he is going to keep you waiting. If he can make the effort to seek you out and call you and try to get you to continue talking to him, then why can’t he break it off with his girlfriend? The answer is simple…he doesn’t want to. I hate to be blunt, but if he liked you that much, if he wanted to be with you that much…he would be with you…point blank period. Yes he likes you, but not enough. And you need to be with someone that likes you enough…someone who values you enough to want to be with you and only you.
No matter how great you think this guy is, don’t value him more than you value yourself. If he sees something in you he likes, I’m sure other men see it too.
I was a nice guy and it really didn’t get me n e where. But mine is a case of possible incompatibillity(possible because we still talk and wanna work it out). I’ve known this girl since the 6th grade.(I’m 24) We knew everything about eachother talked everyday, were bestfriends. Then eventually after I was whoring and she had been in a 3 year relationship, we got together. Now mind you the whole time I’m whoring I’m wishing I was with her. So that’s how I know that I went into it with my all. It was like finally I had her. So we get together and she 180’s on me. All of a sudden she doesn’t like the way I talk to her, she thinks I don’t want her around, she said I put my friends and WEED b4 her. How I put weed(or my friends)before her I still don’t know. So after over 2 years together we’re broken up. In my case I think the person I’m dealing with has issues of their own, which is sommething to look for when you’re thinking to yourself “what’s wrong with me?” Now that’s not to say that that’s for everyone to ponder. If you’ve been in several of the same type of terrible relationships, then maybe it’s you. I know in my heart though that I tried my best. I think the most important part like Reecie said is compatibility. Maybe you are the guy you think you are but it’s still not what that woman wants. However, keep in mind some women are crazy and full of drama so that could be it too.
Reecie, everything you said was on point about “the nice guy.” I have a friend who is going through that right now. He’s a nice guy, looking for a serious relationship, but goes after the the trendy women in the hooker heels that only like to shop all day (which seems to be the problem with most nice guys). Then he complains…after I’ve told him to do otherwise. His last relationship was over a year of her refusing to spend time with him and putting him behind nightly clubbing with the girls. Then, after that ends, he goes and starts to think that sex can be the start of a relationship…until that blew up in his face after he got serious about a girl who was just looking for a good time. He repeatedly ignores the very signs that you mention above, the woman being distant and having an attitude when it comes to doing anything other than sex, shopping, or going out. I refuse to even talk about relationships with him until he grows up.
I myself am a nice guy, but I’m not stupid one. Right now, I have too much going on for a relationship/dating and I’ve never been into sleeping around, so I choosing to be by myself. I think that’s the problem with many people. They can’t handle being alone because somehow that makes them failures. Then, they race out and get into relationships that don’t, won’t and can’t work, hurting themselves.I’m spending my time trying to learn and grow myself so that I can be a capable husband to someone at some point and more people should do the same. It would save them a lot of heartache.
I know for sure that most women want a SMART and STRONG man. Strong personality, strong looks, strong financially, strong at heart and also strong in bed! That’s my 2 cents. Nothing complicated! Just be STRONG in every way! hit me up on “holla2hollausa@aim.com” if you have anymore questions.
To all my fellow men! “Keep your pimp hand strong!”
Women don’t appreciate nice guys because they often come across as ‘needy’ and ‘wussy’.
Women are attracted to men who are funny, confident, and mysterious. Good looks don’t hurt, but if you’re not 6′4″ tall and model-handsome, then you have to learn how to attract women with your personality. That means being humourous, confident and someone who doesn’t need to get their validation from women, but from life itself. Someone confident in their own skin…
There is a big difference between AFFECTION and ATTRACTION.
I was a nice guy all through my teens and early twenties. I was only ever seen as the ’sweet friend’. I was the guy who told girls to call me anytime thinking that the more they talked to me they’d be more interested in me romantically. I was dead wrong, and ended up giving them a shoulder to cry on when their latest loser had jerked them around. Since then, I’ve learnt to become more confident in myself and with women.
Guys, if you really need assistance in this area - Google the work of guys such as David DeAngelo, David Kwan, Scott Patterson, Ron Louis and David Copeland. They, and their material have done wonders for my lovelife
I like all the posts possibly one of the best advice columns out…period.It was “DOPE” how everyone got to trade off without being too overtly profane.The responses entertained and edutained on the “nice guy” syndrome.Nothing beats a true typed dialog bringing the genders together to banter about how one particular “kind of man/guy” is or possibly isn’t.Truth of the matter being there is only one kind of guy OR (gal)lol.It usually is the type of person who knows if they can or cannot be appreciative of another persons time and effort.I think REECIE hit the nail on the head.Not to sound redundant.It’s the time you put in (pretty much meaning it is genuine),and the effort and strive you invest in to get the girl who will perceive you as how you show your “true” self,whether it be nice,a “jerk”,a little slow(slow learner),”clean”,neat,dirty with a side of grimey and nerdy or whatever. I-n-I