Dear Reecie:

I have a problem me and and my ex - boyfriend started to chill and talk again (not in a relationship) after a 1yr break up from a 2 yr relationship. However when we chilled, he started bringing his friends around. When hanging with his friends I had much more fun with them then him. He became jealous and would pout and sulk when we hung out. While we chilled I started to develop a little crush on one of his friends. I even tried to hook him up with a friend of mine but she wasn’t feeling him and I ended up talking to him on her phone or through her. He sensed this and got jealous every time we chilled however I in no way made these feelings that obvious besides asking about him once in a while. Then one night me, my ex, his friends, and my friends chilled at my house. While there, the persuasion of liquor got me to say some things I regret to his friend. After that day his friend expressed some feelings that he’s on the same page as I am. This further complicated the situation because I’m stuck on if I should avoid my feelings to pursue anything with his friend due to loyalty to my ex, or just go with how I feel and see how it plays out being that we aren’t in a relationship. Please help Me ASAP!!

Dear Should I Date My Ex’s Friend:

This is easily the one of trickiest situations you could’ve possibly sought advice about. When dealing with an ex and his/her associate, different people have different rules for how they would go forward. Some people are 100% against ever dealing with a friend or family member of an ex, and some people wouldn’t let a dead relationship stop them for pursuing their heart.

Personally, I fall somewhere in the middle. I can’t fathom a situation where I would want to date my ex’s friend; however I can’t say that I would be totally closed off to doing it either if the circumstances weren’t too messy. It seems like your situation falls under the messy category. First, you and your ex have been broken up for a year, but it appears that you still maintain a relatively close relationship. Since you were introduced to this new guy through hanging out with your ex; and all three of you hang out together the situation is a bit unsettling. There is probably no way to go forward with the new guy unscathed. Sooner rather than later something is going to have to give…it might be your friendship with your ex, your ex might not want to have anything to do with either one of you, or you might just end up looking like a flip.

First, you need to communicate with this new guy. I wouldn’t say go out there and put all your feelings on front street, but you could at least figure out if you two are looking for the same things “hypothetically speaking”. If you two aren’t aligned in your desires then there is no need to even spend any energy going forward. However, if you find that both of you want the same things, then it would be necessary to start thinking about if it’s worth pursuing. Consider the pros (potentially a great relationship) and the cons (losing your friend as an ex and things not working out).

As adults, people should be more mature about someone dating a friend of an ex and less close-minded about it since it is indisputably hard to find someone you’re compatible with…but that is not always the case. Even with the most understanding person it could cause discomfort and tension. Essentially the best thing that I could tell you is to follow your heart. Don’t allow yourself to be the pass around girl and only pursue something with this guy if he is serious about you or has good intentions about forming a solid relationship. If you have doubts about his sincerity, then save yourself the drama and move on to someone who isn’t connected to your ex.
 

HM Readers, what do you guys think? Should she leave her ex’s friend alone or is it okay to pursue her feelings? Are friends of the ex always off-limits? Does it make a difference if there is a potential for a real long lasting relationship?

Want advice? Shoot me an email at askreecie@gmail.com about your problem. I will respond to it and post the best letters and my responses on the site…of course keeping all names completely confidential. HM readers will then have a chance to chime in with their thoughts. Whether or not your letter gets posted, you will get a response.

Posted by Reecie

Related: New HM Advice Column- Ask Reecie