From: Why Me?
I really like this guy, we “dated” in college but it was the wrong timing. Anyway we’ve been out of school for 5 years now and still keep in contact. I really like him and he has all the qualities that I would want in a future husband, but I don’t know how he feels about me. I always think about him and haven’t seen him in over 3 years. We talk about having kids together all the time and how we want our family relationship to be. Here’s the kicker, we live in two different states, thousands of miles separate us. How do I tell him how I really feel?
Why Me,
It sounds like your situation is a little more straightforward than you would like to believe. You don’t have a romantic relationship with the guy you like and it doesn’t seem like you are making steps towards that. One thing you and women everywhere should realize is that talking is just talking. Don’t get yourself gassed up, because someone is telling you that you would make a great mother one day…that is a compliment, not a come-on.
If you two dated in college which was over 5 years ago, you haven’t seen this guy in 3 years, and by your own admission you don’t even know how he feels about you…then it’s pretty clear that he doesn’t have strong or possibly any feelings for you. Trust me, if he was seriously interested, he would’ve visited you by now or at least extended an invitation for you to visit him by this point.
With that said, since you have already put so much thought and emotion into this pseudo relationship, then you should definitely talk to him. Honestly tell him how you feel about him. After 5+ years of knowing each other and having at the very least a friendship, sugar coating isn’t necessary and is counterproductive. When you talk to him, speak with confidence and remain calm and collected. The last thing you want to do is come off as a little looney by being overly emotional. There is a chance that he just wants you to tell him how you feel about him and express that you want a relationship before he pursues you on a serious level. When he tells you about his feelings, don’t settle for ambiguous statements or vague promises…make sure you are a 100% clear on where he stands so you can either move forward with him or move on with your life.
Hope that helps!
Reecie
What do you guys think about “Why Me?”s situation? Should she talk to this guy or just move on with her life? What’s the best way to explain your feelings for someone with whom you’ve had a long term platonic relationship?
Need advice? Send me your questions to askreecie@gmail.com or leave a comment with your question here. Anything posted on the site will be kept anonymous.
Reecie
thehonorable
Here’s a male’s perspective on it…well, rather, MY perspective on it!
Honestly, life’s too short to be dibblin and dabblin..we’re all grown adults. I understand you may harbor some trepidation towards expressing your feelings but its like this: eitha fess up and speak ya mind or move on…People spend a life-time tryna find a connection and you feel like you have it right now so whatcha waiting for? Scared of rejection? Well, if that’s the case then deal with it. lol.
I may sound really unsympathetic but I really am not. I just feel it’s important to be direct and not play tit for tat. You gotta be a go-getter in life and hiding behind emotions is child’s play, in my opinion.
Now, my personal opinion is you just let it be known and go from there. Now, there’s something to be said about ole boi as well. I mean if ya’ll have conversed about having kids together, why/how the hyell haven’t ya’ll dealt with step 1…dating. lol. seems like discussions and planning are jumping the course. It’s all good to plan together but if you don’t have priorities in place then you’re wasting your time and energy on “hope!” Hope is cool but its gotta be followed by action.
By what you stated, you’ve gotta be at least 25 years old or hittin that mark. If that’s the case, get ya grown woman on and tell ole boi how u feel…Also, i’m of the frame of mind that dudes aint as dumb as many women think’em to be. If a dude wants something, they go out and get it, regardless of the obstacles. When real men want sommin, they get it or try their hardest to.
If he been talkin and soupin ya head up about kids and family and hasn’t made moves to date, build, and go through the necessary steps to create a stable relationship after all these years, then it must mean that he’s either scared, not ready, or not interested. Talk is cheap, especially as a man….
Get it crackin!
i assume that dude is feelin’ you, but something is holding him back. granted - you guys are thousands of miles apart, but it’s not out of reach to see somebody within three years. save up a couple of dollars and hop on a plane. what is it that is holding y’all back from seeing each other? does he have a girl? how do you not know how he feels, but y’all talk about having kids together? i think that he has feelings for you that are strong, but he feels obligated to somebody else.
i agree with everyone else and lay your heart on the line and tell him how you feel. i suggest doing it in person if possible, but you have to let you the truth be known - regardless of if he has a girlfriend or not. please be very aware that you may be hurt…but love is a risk and you will take that chance. also, he may not come to his senses immediately. hey - i say you have nothing to lose…this is the man you want and you may have to be a little patient.
if he reveals that he isn’t into you like that, then keep it moving. im sure there are plenty of good black men out there for you.
I say leave him alone. He’s not that into you. I shoot the shit with women from undergrad or previous vacations all the time. I frequent Ibiza, Poland everytime I go, I fall in love. We keep in touch if they are ever in the city they call me. I call them when I’m bored, flying somewhere, on the train, drunk dialing etc.. I tell them all the same shit he’s telling you. He may not have rollover minutes and wants to use all of his minutes, everyone does not have Cingular. You both are different people now. There is no way you can honestly know what he has going on, he can have kids, a wife etc!! You obviously like him more than he likes you. I say meet up with him then tell him if you must.
p.s. I realize that everyone is not emotionally stunted as I am but no man would pass up free legs. I’ve bought bottles for a chance to menage, some exotic shit too! Unexpected sex is great but sex with the potential mother of your children, no man would waste time.. think about it!!
The good news you’re young, its summertime and you seem to be able to construct a sentence some guy is at happy hour waiting for you.
Free Advice is worth the price
A long distance relationship and plus the fact that you haven’t seen or talk to the guy in a three year period. I’m not so sure about that one.
1 more thing how do we know her race or that she likes black men?
just call or send an email and tell him.
or you can write a letter too - like - a hand written letter you dig?
Whether this is a situation or a story or created to create a situation , but the whole story is worth attention.
People transition through life and fall back in relationships for different reasons - denial, inexperience, insecurity - people change a lot during college and in three years and you need to realise that he may have moved on past you.
Maybe the reason why he’s lost contact with you is that you may have scared him off with the potential questions and expecations you posed or that he simply may just need some time alone to sort out his life without all of the constant pressures of a relationship. It doesn’t always mean he’s with someone else or that he doesn’t want to be together in the future. If its meant to bring you back together hang in there but at the same time dont put as much effort into false promises or aspirations as you will only end up getting hurt in the process. recognise what you have and what you are working with and realise that you may be missing out on having that connection and intimacy with someone else. its been known to strike twice, three times mabye.
a relationship is a living thing. love is a verb. its an action like some people above have mentioned. people in long term or married relationships must have similar views in order to make it work, even business partners must have similar views to make a business work.
stop chasing and trying to salvage lost time - maybe its meant to be this way - things happen for a reason. you may have intentionally gone into this relationship and held onto it for this long purely out of fear/insecurity - but who doesnt - companionship is a sought after commodity with risks involved - but if your heart can be broken that easily, the problem is with you, not with those you love. learn from this relationship. you be stronger in the long run.
damn i reading back at m response and cant even believe i actually wrote that wtf was i on back then and why is my life so sidetracked now SMH
VU,I think your response back then was intelligent and precise!
U went deep with that one.I only clicked here because I saw that you had left a comment here but an glad I did!
U got me thinking…
Ps don’t ever give up on your dreams if you have the potiental to do better…………..